Three summers ago, I came to Cornell as a young, prospective high school senior. I was taking a few classes over a six-week period, and it was an exciting time for me since I was almost completely independent for one of the first times ever. One of my classes was a freshman writing seminar, “The Anthropology of Sports.” As you can figure, most of the students were male, with a few exceptions. One of these few girls caught my eye in particular, and before I knew it, we were in a relationship. We were together for the last month of Summer College, and when it was time to leave, we decided we would try to maintain the relationship. One problem: I lived on Long Island and she lived in the black hole known by most as New Jersey.
Summer College ended two weeks before high school began again, so we were able to travel to see each other two times soon after we left Cornell. I took her to the U.S. Open for some tennis, and we went to dinner and a movie by her. These two interactions left me optimistic that we could make this work. I, as usual, was wrong.
Like most other seniors in high school, I spent a good portion of my time on AOL Instant Messenger. This is how I kept in touch with most of my home friends during the summer, and I figured that I could stay in touch with my girlfriend via a combination of phone and AIM interactions. There was only one problem- she did not go on AIM nearly as much as I thought she would. She would log on a maximum of once a day for a half an hour period of time. We spoke on the phone often, but she was a very, very focused student, even in her senior year, so our conversations ended usually abruptly with a “I have to do some work, I will talk to you tomorrow.”
Once school started, the number of trips we made to see each other dwindled as well because of our conflicting home lives. We both played sports with demanding schedules, so it was extremely difficult to find a weekend that worked for us both. In addition, I did not have a car, so I need my parents to drive me to the Port Authority in the city, and then take a bus to New Jersey, which was just inconvenient in general. The result was one more trip to New Jersey and the eventual agreement to end the relationship in October.
One of Wallace’s factors that contributed to the failed relationship is lack of proximity. We were miles apart, in different states, and it was very tough to make trips to see each other. We did not video chat, so we could not see each other’s faces, which is a very difficult thing when you are so close with someone. In addition, as I mentioned she did not go on AIM often and only made shorter phone calls, therefore reducing our daily interaction time. We spoke and saw each other less, which was a large contributor to the loosening of the ties we had made over the summer.
Another Wallace factor is lack of common ground. We lived completely different lives at our respective homes. We did not have any common classes our senior years of high school, and we played different sports, and it seemed that neither of us was really interested in the other’s sport. She was not as social and outgoing as I was, so she did not go out to parties on the weekend as often as I did.
Lack of proximity and common ground were two factors that contributed to the eventual break up. Luckily, we remain on good terms today, which is a good thing since we both go to Cornell. I can only imagine how awkward it would be seeing her if we still hated each other’s guts like we did for a short period after the relationship…good thing I guess.
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4 comments:
According to Wallace's factors of attraction, you were originally attracted to this girl due to initial physical attractiveness. This made you want to get to know her. Once you started dating, I agree with you that one of the main factors that contributed to the end of your relationship was lack of proximity. I also find that it much harder to maintain a relationship, whether its a friendship or a romantic relationship, when you are not in the same physical proximity. I tend to loose contact with many of my good friends over the summer because we dont see eachother as often, we have different schedules, and I get caught up in what I am doing at the moment. However I disagree with your point that lack of common ground was very relative to this situation. Many people form romantic relationships due to the fact that they have a lot in common. Since you were involved in this relationsip for a little over a month, there were clearly many similar characteristics that you two shared with eachother which helped for you to remain in the relationship. I find it interesting that the distance between you two and the types of communication media that you spoke through helped bring out the differences between you two, which eventually outweighed the positive aspects of your relationship.
I, too, have attempted the long distance relationship. It seems that you and your lady started off very nicely, and you guys shared some valuable common ground. A girl in a sports anthropology class? Consider yourself a lucky man for ever stumbling upon her! Anyway, I commend the fact that the two of you tried to make it work even after you left Cornell. The telephone and AIM are great ways to stay in touch with people you care about, but I find that in the end, physical proximity is a factor that seems to trump all other relational aspects. In my post I discussed the advantages that come with being able to video-chat. Perhaps you and your sports anthropologist could have worked out for a longer period of time if you had that option. Regardless, the fact that you made a long-distance relationship work via CMC for a long period of time is great. And it's even better that you guys are on good terms today.
First and foremost I wanted to say that it is great to see that you were able to go into so much detail about your situation. Not only did you describe, in detail, from beginning to end but the subject matter which you were discussing is not one that everyone is so open about. I guess one could say that this is yet another example of how the certain level of anonymity in these blogs results in increased self-disclosure.
Additionally, you have picked a perfect example to apply to the issues of relationship formation that we have discussed in class. Your application of certain elements is perfect and shows comprehension of what we have been doing. It is interesting to see that proximity and common ground play as much a role as they actually do. Also your situation, referring directly to where you discuss her lack of AIM use, is a wonderful example of how frequency plays a role in relationships. The fact that your girlfriend was never online and didn't have much time to talk meant you did not cross paths often which definately affected your ability to keep the relationship going.
Great Job
Jacob, this sounds much like a relationship i had while in high school except that it ended went i started college. I believe the reason my relationship eneded were the same reasons yours ended (lack of proximity, lack of common ground). Just more evidence to support long distance reltionships never seem to work. This seems to be the common thing when going off to college. I rarely communicate with anyone from hghschool anymore except for a very select few. It is unfortunate that this has to always be the case but that is life and it is all a great big learning experience.
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