As college students, we can all identify with at least a few long distance relationships we have in common. We all have parents back home and we all have a completely different set of friends, at different colleges scattered around the country. I would like to focus this post on those friends back home. We all say it, at some point right before you left for college the phrase, “let’s keep in touch” was uttered. For me, and probably many other college students, this was not a reality. There are a handful of friends back home who I do remain friendly with, but for the most part those semi-close to distant friends have all but vanished out of my life. Now, what can account for this? I blame Wallace’s (1999) attraction factors, namely proximity and common ground.
First, I’ll take a look at those friends who nearly vanished out of my life. It was these friends who throughout high school I saw a decent amount and hung out with on occasion but definitely considered them to be a friend. I wouldn’t call them up every weekend or meet them for lunch during every lunch break, but we certainly had all the necessary ways of contacted each other (screen name and cell phone number). At graduation party after graduation party and those dwindling summer nights, these people were definitely, in my mind, worthy of a “lets stay in touch.” However, I believe primarily due to a lack of proximity and a lack of a very solid common ground, we lost touch. As I went off to college and my friends went to their parts of the country, proximity to one another decreased. Sure we could talk on aim, but we no longer saw each other, experienced the same things, or shared friends, teachers, classes, etc. Wallace says that the closer you are to someone, the more attracted you will become towards that person. Clearly, proximity diminished during the transfer from high school to college.
The distinction between these friends and those friends who I remain in touch with lies within the common ground attraction factor, also described by Wallace. Wallace (1999) explains common ground as mutually shared beliefs, assumptions, and presumptions and further states that you are more attracted to those people with whom you share this common ground. Now, my closer and closest friends, just like my more distant friends also went to all corners of the country, however we had much more common ground. Despite a decrease of proximity, we remained to have similar beliefs, thoughts, and interests. This enabled us to continue to enjoy having conversations, and allowed an easy flow of information, story telling, and intellectual debate/discussion. Ultimately in fact, our common ground enabled almost a mesh of college friends and home friends when I put my home friends in touch, by CMC, with some of my closest college friends who also shared a common ground. By having a strong common ground, the proximity factor didn’t matter as much.
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6 comments:
Hi Scott, your post was really interesting since what you describe happens to everyone. I feel that when you have to say to someone "let's keep in touch" then you almost never do. If you have to say it, then you probably aren't bonded that strongly to them. It's unfortunate that a lot of relationships are based mostly on proximity. Your blog shows that proximity alone does not create very strong bonds because when you eliminate the proximity, you have nothing left holding you together. Common ground is a much stronger relationship factor. You will always be able to share beliefs, opinions and same sense of humor no matter where the both of you are located. Sure proximity helps, but I feel it is not necessary if there is actually a true common ground bond present.
I enjoyed reading your article because it was very easy for me to relate to. I find it hard to keep in touch with my high school friends that go to different schools around the country due to lack of proximity. My acquaintances from high school completely disappeared from my life due to lack of common ground and proximity. However I don’t think that your idea of common ground outweighing the effects lack of proximity has on a relationship can be generalized to everyone. Although it may be true in certain relationships, it is not true in my case. I have a group of 6 best friends from home and we all go to different colleges. Even though we have so much in common and have remained close friends over the years, we don’t keep in touch throughout the school year. This does not diminish our friendships because when we go home for breaks, we always get together and it feels like we never left eachother.
Hey Scott, Great Post. I am actually mad that I completely blanked on how relevant a topic home friends are for this assignment. You made really great points concerning common ground and proximity. The sad thing is that these factors not only have an influence on your kinda-sorta friends, but also your real friends too. I am miserable at keeping at touch with people. When I am at Cornell, I disappear off the face of the earth to my home friends and the same thing happens with my school friends during summer. The ongoing joke is that my friends call me the phantom. I guess for now on, I will just say I am an innocent victim/bystander plagued by the aftermath of complex communication theory—Thanks Wallace, for bailing me out of this quandary.
Hey Scott. I liked your post because I think it's easy to relate to--we all leave friends and family at home when we go off to college. I think you make a good point that your lack of physical proximity with your friends from home takes a toll on your relationship, but that the common ground you share with your closest friends allows for you to stay bonded. However, regardless of your physical proximity with your friends, how do you think intersection frequency in the CMC environment plays a role? Are you not facebook friends with your more peripheral friends from home? Do you not see them on your news feed? Do they not write on your wall? Do you not check their away messages?...things like that. And if you don't intersect with them in these ways, is it simply because you don't feel you have enough in common with them? If this is true and you don't care enough to intersect with them frequently in the CMC setting, then Wallace's theories hold true that the less we interact with people, the less attractive they are to us, and the more we have in common with others, the more attractive they are.
Your description of losing touch with friends is something that all of us can relate to. It truly happens to everyone during that high school to college transition, and you certainly identified the two factors that are to blame: proximity and common ground.
So much of my interaction with people is based on serendipitous contact. I live in a fraternity, and the despite some strong friendships I had last year, my strongest friendships are currently with the other people who live in the house with me.
Common ground is perhaps even more of culprit though. I find that sometimes when I do contact those old friends from high school, it feels like something changed. The conversations just aren't the same because we're no longer having shared experiences.
The CMC element can help to fix the proximity issue. If I see them on my buddy list or my newsfeed, I suppose that keeps them in my mind, but the common ground element doesn't have an easy fix.
Hey Scott, I enjoyed your post because as Emily said, it is a topic that is easy to relate to. Last year, my first year away at college, I made strong efforts to remain in touch with my friends, as we videochatted and spoke on AIM often. This year I see the number of interactions declining, and I think your points of lack of proximity and common ground are valid. My friends go to a variety of schools, from small to large, in the north or the south. The different locations, climates, geography, and so on make each school unique. Therfore, it is hard to relate as well with your friends because you do not exactly know what they are doing or understand what they go through. You relate better with people from your own school because you have more common ground to discuss.
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