Wallace talks about several factors that determine attraction over the internet; proximity, physical attractiveness; homophily (also known as common ground); and disinhibition. Although all are important when it comes to attraction, I feel that proximity and disinhibition are the most important factors when it comes to initial as well as long-term attraction.
I met one of my best friends online.
This was 6 years ago (approximately June 2001) on a then virtually unknown blogging site known as Xanga (www.xanga.com). Although our initial meeting took place in an online space, we actually had many “real-life” friends in common, so when she told me that she was 16/f/OH, I knew she was telling the truth. Before I had even joined Xanga, I had heard much about Monica through our mutual friends. To them, it was fun to joke around about how they had never met such polar opposites. I was a complete math and science person, she loved english and history. I was a coconut; brown on the outside, white on the inside (born in India,yet extremely assimilated into American culture). She, on the other hand, was born in America yet acted as if she just came from India. I’m a liberal; she’s conservative. I love the city; she loves the country.
We “met” when we joined the same blogring. A blogring, for those who may not be familiar with Xanga slang, is a group that joins together Xanga blogs/users under common themes. For example, I belonged to “Dashboard Confessional: We Adore You”, and “Dancing is my passion” among others. At the time, you were only allowed to join 5 blogrings, so they basically helped an online reader get a quick 30 second glimpse into who you were. Monica and I belonged to the same blog; the aforementioned “Dancing is my passion”.
In each blogring, all the blogs are shown in the following format; Title of blog, Last Update date/time; short blurb about what the blog is about. Monica’s blog intrigued me, although I could not tell you what exactly made me decide to choose hers to visit that day. Her most recent post was about how Indian parent’s just don’t understand what living in America as an adolescent was like. I completely agreed, and so our friendship started.
Proximity, when it comes to attraction in online relationships, refers to “intersection frequency.” This is defined as how often you interaction with the other person on internet. In the case of Monica and me, interaction started off slow. We started to leave comments on each other’s blogs whenever there was a post that particularly peaked our interest. But it wasn’t till December 2002 that we actually became best friends. December was when my “real-life” best friend died. I used xanga as a tool for my frustration and anger with the world. Monica could relate. Her close friend had died a couple of years before mine. In order to talk more often, we decided to switch over to AIM, which allowed us to talk with greater frequency. The more Monica and I talked, the closer we got. Talking progressed to using the telephone and then frequent visits. Now almost 5 years later, we are the closest of friends. I call her my other half of the soul, since we have so little in common when it comes to most things, but we are joined together by what is most fundamental.
Disinhibition refers to the amount of self-disclosure on the net. More specifically, that as one gets closer to another, more will be discloser and a greater intimacy will be achieved. As mentioned above, Monica and I started become closer due to an instance of self-disclosure. As time went on, we let each other know about all those things you are afraid to tell someone else. Those secrets were told with increasing rates as we became almost like sisters. We would talk up to 20-30 hours a week easily, if not more.
Yes, I met my best friend online, and you know, I’m not ashamed of it. Maybe it was the fact that it was online, or maybe it was fated. All I know is that I have someone who knows everything about me and still loves me. Aren’t you jealous?
First Commenthttp://comm245green.blogspot.com/2007/09/from-online-to-best-friends.html
http://comm245green.blogspot.com/2007/09/5-means-to-end.html
*This little addition is an addendum, and was done not at the same time as the original post*
Although I agree that common ground was a factor, I still think that proximity and disinhibition were more important as factors. I could have included common ground, but I feel like that is a factor that is so obvious sometimes. "Birds of a feather flock together" kind of idea is very commonplace, and so I didn't want to be common.
4 comments:
Hi Radhika, I'm sorry about your friend, but I'm glad you found someone to relate to during that time. I agree with you that a likely reason, according to Wallace, that you two got forged a friendhship was due to proximity and disinhibition effects. But, I also think that common ground was influential in your case. Even though you two do not share the majority of your beliefs, such as favorite subjects and political affiliation, you do share others. The beliefs that you do not share are small, insignificant opinions. For more major, important beliefs/events you two do actaully share alot. For example, you stated that the first time you interacted was about "indian parents not understanding". Thus, your first interaction was actually about a topic the both of you could relate to and share. Hence, common ground. Further, you said that your interactions were slow until your friend passed away. At this point you grew closer to your online friend because she had shared a similar experience. Thus, you and your friend became familiar with each other through proximity, but then actually initiated a friendship due to common ground which was facilitated by disinhibition effects.
I think you spoke up in class about your experience, thank you for sharing!
You described your situation with details that were necessary to understand how your relationship flourished. While I would have to agree that proximity and disinhibition are very influential in your situation, I would like to add the common ground principle as a key factor. I know you describe each of you as exact opposites (science vs. history, conservative vs. liberal etc) but you both hit it off. I think what's more important here is that you probably shared a lot of principles and values- which can be just as, if not more so, influential as sharing a similar interest. An interesting point that you make about xenga is that it allowed you to join only 5 groups- and this landed both of you in the same blog ring, which shows that you did have somethign in common. But since you were limited in the amount of groups you could join, it probably painted a more accurate picture of what the person liked since they had limited spots for groups. (I am in groups on facebook that are completely ridiculous and would definitely not put most of them in my top 5!). It's probably a more effective way to connect people who have something in common.
Everytime we talk about initial relationship formation online I am scepticle. It seems for this to happen both people have to a). open themselves up extensively to some unknown and b). allow themselves to trust the stranger to some degree ( which I see as harder everyday- with the increased channels for deception in CMC). Your story again amazes me, but it proves that you can actually have a healthy relationship that results from online interaction.
I want to comment on how well written your post is, and how your description was detailed and made your post that much more interesting. Also, I love that when you talked about the Xanga website and its features you made sure to explain what they were for those of us who do not frequent the site.
Additionally, your application of the elements of relationship facilitation online are clear and concrete. I commend you on taking the initiative to actually rank the factors and put yourself out there by stating you see two as the most important. While people might say they are all equally important, your application and examples definately support your points. I think this is one of the best examples of how disinhibition plays a major role in online relationship facilitation. As you said your friends consider you two to be complete opposites, maybe you would not have gotten past that if you had met face to face initially, but because online you were able to getting deeper into who one another was, you were both able to get past and appreciate your differences. Do you think you would've been friends if your initial meeting had been face to face?
When I first read the title of your blog I immediatly thought of an old realtionship I had with a girl in high school. As I read further into your post I thought I could not relate more. Back in high school I met a girl online and we talked and talked through the website, Aim, and eventually the phone. I very quickly found out that even though she lived a fair distance away from me her mother lived very close to me and we actually knew some of the same people. We eventually met in person and engaged into a relationship. I thought it was awesome at first, she moved to her moms that year which made it even better. It ended up taking me way to long to find out we had nothing in common and she was not in the relationship for the reasons i was (me long haul, her quick and meaningless). However I am not good friends or anything with her, in fact I just said hello to her for hte first time in 4 years the other day. Im sorry to hear about your friend but it is good you were able to find someone to keep you happy afterwards.
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